Recently I haven't been the best I could be. In fact, I haven't been even close. However with the kind words of a mentor I have decided to make myself happier by making others happy :) So I made decorated an old coffee can and made it my "Today I Will..." jar. And in it I have put random acts of kindness and reminders to do the things we so often forget (say I love you, thank someone, or even just call and see how someone's day is doing). My plan is to each day pick up a post-it and do what's on it. It's so simple, yet just thinking about the smiles these will bring people is possibly one of my greater ideas. I will try to keep an update on my act for the day and the reactions I get on a new section of my blog so look out for updates and hopefully you will get inspired with
Just looked at my stats and wow! Looks like my secret blog isn't so secret anymore. Don't know how everyone found this but thanks for reading my ramblings and I hope you get something from this even if that something is 'blogs are stupid'. Again, thanks for reading :)
Here I am, another night I can't sleep and wishing I had you by my side. It's unfair that age separates us at night cause that's when I find I need you the most. That's when I'm alone with my thoughts, a dangerous thing to do, and I find myself wishing for a distraction like your heart beat or your touch or even just the sound of your breathing. I wish I could sleep and dream like normal people, but I don't sleep and even when I do I rarely dream. I envy those who fall asleep the minute their head hits the pillow, they should be grateful that they don't know the chronic pain of sleepless nights and endless hours ticking by with no relief. Sleep is not to be taken for granted. I guess the Sand Man doesn't visit everyone.
I feel like I'm falling off of a cliff. No, not falling, I was pushed. The ground was pulled from under me before I could ever realize what was happening. I smiled like I was in on it but my head is spinning with the new discovery. Where to go from here? I guess the only way to go is down. To fall until I hit the bottom then slowly hike back up.
Blue Eyes. are they worth crying over? Leave you hurt every time. Haunting looks, cast in your direction. Will you ever shake the ice they leave in your soul? You want to not care, but your will is not that strong. Glances melt you, but not in a good way. They burn you straight through. You feel so exposed. Like the first time you showed those eyes your skin. But they penetrate deeper. Cutting you down layer by layer. Peeling you down to your core. They see who you really are and they hate you. But you can't accept that. You keep trying and trying, but those icy eyes see through it every time. Always hurting you. Always turning your clover green eyes puffy and red. But you can't let go.
We all run from our fears, yet we are told to face them. I for one think that fear makes us stronger, not weaker, and more alert;more adept to survive. Many times the cocky one in the horror flicks die first. Why? Because they have no fear which leaves room for stupidity. Fear is a necessary part of survival, those who say otherwise are ignorant to how survival works. I am not ashamed of my fears, and you should not be either.
Today I was on Facebook and I read a comment that someone put and I was ready to like it because it seemed like something I would say..... it was my comment.
I was reading a book the other day while listening to music on my laptop and I pressed the arrow key to turn the page. I did this about 3 more times before I realized what I was doing. I woke up this morning to bright sunlight and snow to reflect it all, so I went over to my lightswitch to shut the sun off..... i I hate finals. I am not the first to say it and I am sure as hell not going to be the last. I don't know why no one talked me out of taking 4 AP classes, but it didn't happen and now here I am the night before 2 of my AP finals and i'm sitting in bed crying. It's barely crying in that I'm sitting kind of normally while tears just run down my face and onto my keyboard, but for lack of a better word I will use that term. I am so stressed it's insane and I constantly feel like my head is going to explode from so much pressure to be a good student and get amazing grades. I am completely exhausted. I'm always running in 10 different directions and even today, when I have 2 tough finals tomorrow, I went directly after school to something to help a friend out the was home for a grand total for 20 min in which I made dinner, then off to robotics. I have barely sat down all day (or all year for that matter) and I really just want to curl up into a ball and forget everything and sleep through about 3 years. All of this makes me emotional and I just can't stand it right now.
Life can be so up and down, and that is precisely how it has been lately. I'm happy then sad then happy the devastated. I read something lately stating "maybe Happiness is just the absence of pain" and I'm starting to think that that is true. I'm not so dramatic that I think that every little thing is the end of the world, but I do get upset over things. Sometimes I think I'm less upset because of the emotional toll and more because it interferes with the plans I have made. This is not always true, but many times it is. I pride myself in being a fairly rational person, but in a few cases I am not and I fall victim to irrationality and panic. Right now life is rolling along smoothly, but who knows when the next pothole will be? I don't think I will ever be ready for these obstacles, but I can try to prepare for the worst and hope it turns out for the best.
Sadly enough, my friends and I still do not have the second part down. Today in star we had a hot wheels car, a balloon, and some tape. So we made a balloon car! we taped the balloon to the car strategically and we were super excited for our first run! My friend blew up the balloon and set the car down on the table and we got on our knees and as close to the table as we could without interfering with the car itself. As if in slow motion she let the balloon go and the air began escaping! But then it just sat there. All of the air went out of the balloon and the car just sat there. We both sat there for a minute then burst out laughing and then kept trying to make it work. Eventually it did and two more times after that :) But this isn't a one time thing. Everyone wants to be older when they are you and once you get older you miss being young. So I say why not be young again? I am calling this my second childhood. I value my life and i strive to live it to the fullest in case I don't get another chance, and I choose to do this by remaining young not in appearance, but in heart. As long as I'm having a wonderful time and living life I don't care what others think, because I do what I want :p
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